The Invisible

     Yes, The Invisible is a movie, but right now, that's not what I'm talking about. (Although, that movie is amazing).  No, I'm talking about actually feeling you're invisible.  For awhile, it was the wallflower, just part of the wallpaper; now, there is no wallpaper.  I'm just downright invisible, and I am sick of it.
     She had told me that she was sorry I felt left out, and that she would rather talk to me about more serious stuff because I take here more seriously than the other two.  And that made me feel better.
     Until yesterday, when she read aloud her autobiography.
     "[Those two] are my best friends.  I don't know what I would do without them..."
     I literally jerked back like I had been slapped.  That's sure what it felt like.  I mean, yeah, maybe I'm taking it a bit too hard, but dang, that's a pretty callous thing to do, especially after she had told me I was a good friend, and the only one who took her seriously.  Yet, she still fails to mention that I was her friend, too...
     And what about Kayla?  It's always been the five of us; since when did Kayla and I become the ghosts of the party, the kind that everyone knows that something's there, but they just don't bother looking.

     After class yesterday, we had lunch.  And after lunch, I went to the restroom.  As soon as I had shut the door behind me, I was sliding down the wall, bawling like a baby.  I felt stupid, even stupider when I walked into English and nobody noticed my eyes were red-rimmed and still wet from crying.  Of course they wouldn't notice, I thought, you're a ghost, remember?
     Today, I knew things would be the same; they were.  Every time I'd try and talk to one of them, they'd all just look at me like I was stupid, or they'd just act like I hadn't spoken at all.  So, if I was telling a story, after realizing they weren't listening, I'd just slowly die out, and act as if I hadn't spoken at all, either.
     After lunch today, Tanner asked if I wanted to drop by his house and get a Powerade or something.  We ended up parked in the driveway with me sobbing and bawling like somebody had died.  I guess somebody did die.  Me.

     My sister told me to just say screw them.  My dad told me to move on.  Tanner told me it would all be okay.  The first two said to give them space, and all three said I didn't deserve to be treated like that.

     You ever get punched in the face?  Well, imagine that, times three, several times a day, and each one is delivered by your best friends.

     I sat crying in the cafeteria after school today.  When Kayla walked by, I willed her to turn around, to come ask what was wrong, so I could talk to her like I used to.  But she just kept walking, not even noticing me.  And when I watched her walk out the door, not looking back, I thought, "Great, I'm invisible to her, now, too."  And then I think that I probably couldn't talk to her anyway; I've tried several times this year, and I either get the same look I get from the other three (the "you're-dumb-stop-talking look), or she just starts talking about something totally off-subject, that usually has to do with her.  So, I just shut-up and let her talk, adding in an "Uh huh," or an "Oh, that's awesome," whenever appropriate.

     I'm trying to stay upbeat, here, I really am.  But, after going through this once already, with Zach, I don't want to go through it four more times.  Except, there's nothing I can do but follow my family's advice: give 'em space.  At least there's one friend I know that is never going to leave me, or forget about me, or give me that look that says nobody wants to listen; and He knows what all my troubles are, so I don't have to feel stupid trying to tell Him about them, and hoping He won't think I'm acting like a child.  He's never going to pretend I'm invisible, and I'm so grateful for that..

Night, guys...